The Silent Mist: A Flann Flash Fiction

Copyright - Erin Leary

Copyright – Erin Leary (via Friday Fictioneers)

 

Word count: 117

Genre: Christian Fantasy

It’s quiet. Too quiet.

I shake myself mentally as Prince Demetrius and I ride patrol beside Ardara’s river moat. I’m a knight. Mist shouldn’t be giving me the creeps. There’s nothing scary about mist.

Scary is what the mist hides.

When something moves in the grass, I move faster. In a breath, I’ve wheeled Tariq around in front of Demetrius and drawn my sword, ready to defend him at any cost.

In the same breath, Demetrius has dismounted from his horse and dived into the long grass. He straightens, gently holding a frightened child, obviously lost.

Shame boils in my gut. I need to stop wondering, “What can I do?” and start thinking, “What would Jesus do?”

 

*  *  *

For Friday Fictioneers, this is the first of a series of flash fiction I plan to write starring the characters of my novel, “Another Sword”. I hope you enjoyed meeting Crown Prince Demetrius and his loyal bodyguard, Sir Flann Hildebrand – you’ll be seeing some more of them in the coming weeks!

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18 thoughts on “The Silent Mist: A Flann Flash Fiction

  1. I enjoyed this little foray into your characters’ world – already I feel I know a lot about both of them. Personally, the last paragraph didn’t add a great deal for me, but obviously if this is part of a bigger story in your head, perhaps it is leading somewhere I can’t yet see. What I enjoyed most was the voice and the depiction of this Knight’s character and uncertainty.

    • Thanks elmowrites, I was aiming to give a snapshot of both characters’ personalities. I see what you mean about the last paragraph; it’s definitely part of a much greater character arc from the novel.

  2. Hooray, Flan rides again! I’ve missed him, it’s nice to see him poke his nose outside the castle 😀
    The tension was definitely built beautifully, Firn. LOL I fully expected him to yell at Prince Demetrius for getting off his horse and going into the long grass.

    • Hahaha! Yes, Lyn, if I had had another 50 words, Demetrius would have had a tongue-lashing! Flann generally never screams at his enemies… his closest friends, unfortunately, frequently get yelled at when they’ve scared him.

  3. Promising piece. As a personal thing. I think there were times you could have used colons and semi-colons instead of full stops to keep things rolling along. The last paragraph seemed like a way out rather than an ending – for me it was the weakest part of a well paced story.

    • Thanks for your great critique, Paul. I can see where I could have rounded it off better. Strangely, long sentences full of semicolons seem to usually be my weakness – possibly the huge amount of trimming I had to do made those sentences choppy. I’ll keep an eye out for that in my next flashes.

  4. No probs. As an aside, I wouldn’t think of colons/semicolons as necessarily only being there to form huge, unwieldy sentences. Small sentences can be equally effectively joined together. Just feel a full stop is that…a stop i.e. it can kill the flow. There are some fantastic resources out there explaining when and how to get the most out of punctuation – this for me is the best http://www.sussex.ac.uk/informatics/punctuation/

  5. Dear Firn,

    First let me give you a hearty welcome to Friday Fictioneers!

    I really loved your story. However, I agree with Paul. The last line particularly sort of brought the tension to a screeching halt for me. Not because I object to Jesus…I don’t. You have a wonderful medieval story going on and the last line feels like something off a bumper sticker. Aside from that…lovely. I look forward to reading more from you.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    • Hi Rochelle, thanks for stopping by. That ending definitely needs to be reworked – I do want to weave a message in here, but plonking it down like the moral to an Aesop’s Fable proves off-putting. Thanks for the feedback, and for the awesome challenges – I look forward to becoming a regular Friday Fictioneer 🙂

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